This Novelette may contain sexual scenes that are not 13+ compatible.
(in progress) Golden Butterfly
RED STREAKS ON Bone white PORCELAIN
Water drips plunk.plink .plunk. plink .plunk…plink
Her anger drains as her life ebbs away
A lifetime of harsh words fade in her mind
As her eyes drift shut…. it just fades away…….
Prayers form in whispers upon her full lips
Her Hair lies messily in hues of gold.
The Golden Glow lends false warmth to the marble
The china white which her body lies.
The small hotel bathroom is done in Classic tones of white and off white. The Scarlet slashes of her dwindling Life fluid the only flash of color.
Knocking gently at death’s door Amanda wonders why she had let the creature in.
In her Mind she prays ” Forgive me father for my sins
Forgive me for all wrongs I’ve done others
Forgive me for…. He interrupts her mental prayers as he walks by his shoes filling her dying world with new sounds ..
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The world is filled with sounds how odd she thought the last moments of my life are not filled with images she but sounds… She figured her last moments would be filled with happy flashbacks of her past and being a loving mother to her three children.. this was not the Case however It was sounds..Just sounds..
plunk.plink .plunk. plink .plunk…plink,” that’s the water”
tap………..tap………tap that’s the blood dripping from my wrists and hitting the marble..
tap…..shoosh… tap…shoosh…… She knew this was the strangers ebony colored dress slacks… and his shiny black dress shoes….
screetch..screetch..screetch… she watched him comb his hair sleeves ruffling echoing like the flight of a bird. She was isolating every sound and examining it in minute detail. She Opened her Aquamarine hued eyes with their unique silver lining.. She Examined her mortal enemy from her paralyzed position on the floor . The Slaughter looked between a mix of a modern-day business man and something from a period romance novel. Slowly stroking through his raven locks , primping in front of the mirror like he was getting ready for a date .. her soft mouth fell open in awe as she saw he cast no reflection.
” what was he”
Marco stood near the sink looking down at her body her head cradled by the curly blond hair . Her tan seeps from her skin as her heart realizes that she no longer has the life-giving fluid to continue its beating. Her Heart has come to the realization that the color must go and he smiles as the Death Grey pallor starts to replace it. He watches the color first start fading from her hands and feet and work its way towards her torso. Her body is going in survival mode as he watches the mottling start in the back of her legs. It’s just a Matter of time he thinks as he hears her heart flutter weakly. Her Heart is struggling as it starts to compensate losing its life oil keeping her on the edge of wakefulness. She blinks her aquamarine gaze cloudy and looking at him in disbelief as if to say “WHY”
He laughs leering at her curvaceous nude figure and the towel draped over her hips almost baring her womanhood but not sufficient enough for his lustful eyes. .. ” Hmmmmm now did i break my little d’or Papillon.
He grabs one of her Monogrammed towels wiping the blood delicately from his lips he looks down upon her ” Hmmmmmmmmmmm My pretty d’or Papillon ….my golden butterfly you mon amour were succulent.. I see the question in your eyes you wonder why why me don’t you hmm
why is the sky blue or the grass-green? … he leaned over her staring into her eyes the color of a twilight sea.. Not quite blue not yet green.. ” Because you My dear Amanda you are his life mate and with you gone he can not go on”
Amanda stared out the window while she scrubbed the tea glass. The small stretch of main street devoid of cars and bodiless . Not so much as a stray dog roaming the streets . “Ugh another slow boring day” She thought as she blew her bangs from her eyes sending her ponytail bouncing. After realising that it wasn’t going to work and she would have to dry her hands to push the offending hair away. Trying to use her shoulder to wipe it from her eyes to no avail.. .. The hair workout ,combined with the heat and the hot soapy water caused her to sweat even more it dribbled down the back of her 1# mom pink t-shirt following the valley of her spine and settled into the waistband of her jean cutoffs.. Ugh I am sweating worse than a hooker in church she smiled to herself while scrubbing a bowl. The bowl slipped into the water and splashed her T-shirt,,
Ugh I am so sweaty I look like a drowned cat she thought. She laughed as she heard her Nana’s mental voice “Women Don’t Sweat. They Glisten” she smiled and nodded uh huh Nana then I must be a diamond… she smiled and finished Washing the last of the dishes while staring dreamily out the distance. Past the Dry splotchy grass Past the old tire swing beyond the tired cracked sidewalk past the trees. In her very vivid Mind she saw somewhere green. She could smell the earthy smell that sun drenched fields have. She could see the birds flying through the air. She could Hear their musical trills as two of them played chasing after each other. she could feel the heat radiating into her skin and felt a breeze blowing across her face and making her ponytail dance. She watched the tall grass move in a rippling wave as the wind moved across it like a big rolling green sea. Somewhere nearby she could hear water gurgling. The Faint drone of bees buzzing tickled her ears. She looked around She was somewhere in a field full of wild flowers. She could sense she was Safe here . Where there was No husband Yelling and screaming No children pulling her this way or that. she heard a faint masculine ‘ Beautiful just Beautiful” and before she could wonder about its source distantly and growing in volume . Mom Mom Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy This voice sounded almost to Real..
“MOM are you home ” The screen door slammed and then the older mahogany door crashed. Footsteps soon diminished the last remnants of her fantasy. The sounds of sneakers squeaking on the hardwood floors.. She heard the thump as book bags dropped and the metallic tang as zippers came undone… Hmmmm kids are home
She quickly wiped down the counters knowing that cleaning a house while kids were home was like shoveling during a blizzard. Like Paw Paw said ” Like Farting in The Wind” completely a waste of time she smiled softly to herself. Now that they had both left this world she thought more and more of their colloquialisms and used them often to herself. She missed them dearly.
.. pulling out steaks and mushrooms and Humming a song about liking big butts she bent over into the confines of the combo fridge. She was slicing a few fat mushrooms as her 17 year old 6 ft all leg and hair daughter came in. June Grabbed a bar stool sat down at the island phone in hand she lost herself to her virtual world of instagram and selfies and facebook. She smiled into the tall brown-eyed beauty of her oldest. ” Hello June did you have a good day”
June looked up from her Ipod touch “hmmm she whispered Grabbing an apple out of the basket on the Island pulling the buds from her ears” flipping her hair which was short on top fluffed and teased and long on the bottom, Amanda grimaced at the look not the hair it looked like a mix between 80’s high hair , goth,ballet wear, and punk with a mullet thrown in . June’s closest was filled with Graphic tees, animal print , Tights in wild colors, Leather, mini’s and skinny Jeans and yes even tu tu’s.. Her makeup was wild Dark smokey eyes pale foundation thick fake eyelashes or they were heavily mascara Amanda couldn’t tell anymore .. June’s vivid Pink lipstick was half bitten off her sporty black tipped hands twirled her ear buds like a propeller. she popped her gum noisily sticking it to the apple before turning it and taking a noisy bite
” did you say something mom” her ipod trilled some music . she looked down between a bite “OMG” (her pronounciation OH-EM-GEE) I gotta get this” she left in a whirl of combat boots polka dot tights a bright pink tu tu and some Black rock band T-shirt with what looked like Kiss prints on the logo, June’s music changed as frequently as her hair color. Amanda heard her foot steps go up the stairs and her door slam. She would be on the phone call 3 maybe 5 minutes and the rest she would Text for hours and hours. Amanda sighed and started cutting a mushroom as the kitchen door opened and the 15-year-old tall blonde terror that was her son came bounding in fast and furious and full of energy. He always Reminded her of a puppy with big floppy ears that would run into the room full of energy and trip on his ears and roll the rest of the way in. His joy was contagious. He smiled at her and kissed the top of her head she was 5 ft 9 but still he towered over her at 6 foot 4 inches. He was only 15.
He smiled that perfect smile in his tanned face already turning into a version of her older brother. Just recently his baby boy body started melting away into hard chiseled planes of man-boy. He smiled a perfect pearly white smile his pale golden hair shining in a perfect military cut that he came into the world with. His Deep cerulean blue eyes twinkling as he spoke gruffly. “whats up Omma” He wore a blue t-shirt matching his eyes and cargo khaki shorts white socks and his white basketball sneakers. The Man Boy spoke again his voice deep and then breaking into his child voice and then back into his mature deeper bass. She wiped a tear from her eyes Realising That her children were reaching the point that they didn’t need mommy cuddle anymore..
” Earth to Mom ” Bradley said waving his hand in front of her face ” Hello Mom”
Amanda stopped her slicing Ohh..Ohhh..Bradley sorry what were you saying”
Nothing ma whats wrong you fighting with June Again or Dad? he arched a golden eyebrow
Amanda smiled ” neither Kid was just thinking”
Bradley turned serious and she could see the man he would become ” Well don’t think like That you look sad” he smiled and turned into the 15 year old who was still all boy and hadn’t seen the value of girls yet. ” Can I have some cookies and milk and go play video games Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee Mom its Friday”
She smiled and nodded slightly pleased to see he was still a child and a long way from adulthood.
She grinned as she watched him reach up to a cupboard that a few years ago he would need a chair and as she poured him some milk she reminded him to take out of the garbage.
I will, will but I gotta work on Halo,Gow, do some creed and yeah I’ll do it though really.
He bounded down into the cellar/laundry room. Soon the air was filled with grunts and sounds of swords. She laughed and shook her head..
Grabbing a pan she started singing the lyric’s to one of June’s songs it had a very nice beat. Although the song was sung by a man Dominic D something he had a hypnotic voice something she heard a few times and couldn’t listen to again. For want of a better word it aroused her. Not just her body but inside her. It was haunting like when you hear a song from your past and a memory of your path is attached. It was like that like the words were somehow attached to a memory and meant for her.
The chorus was crude but the solo where he spoke the words lingered in her mind. She almost wiki-pediaed him but June caught her at it and feeling like a sneaky teen she said she was looking for a recipe and indeed did to give truth to the small white lie and made the upside down cake that evening. She sautéed the massive pile of mushrooms and as they cooked down she added the steaks.. While the meat sizzled with a melodic pop and hiss… she started to hum and soon she was singing the chorus.
I will sing some, and vomit my verbal prose,
As I spew each Letter, My Anger will certainly flow,
I’ll flush my literal toilet and my feelings you will never know,
My love My beauty my alabaster rose.
She stops and again hears his voice in her mind.. That Talking Husky I need you Voice. That Voice who made her wonder silly things. Things like what is he doing How does he sleep .. Does he feel somehow like I do
My rose.. Golden Butterfly
I search for you as the years go by..
I am trying to hope that your born with each new childs glad cry..
My soul mate My Rose.. My golden Butterfly as the years flutter by,
The sun will die my soul can live only in your kiss
How can i miss something ive yet to know ..
come to me love me let me bask in your glow
come to me come to me my Golden Butterfly … His voice made her feel like if you had bundled all the things that you would Need or Want desire in this world. His voice contained it. It made you want more. It made you just desire to sit somewhere with your eyes closed and float away on his musical connection. She had never felt like this about anyone. During her teen years when all her friends were kissing posters and fan girling over all the hair bands and boy bands of the 80’s and 90’s she was reading or secretly writing. She never understood their connection to these celebrities. That was until she heard him the first time. The very first time she heard June blast it when she thought no one was home. Although it had been months she felt like it was just yesterday.
It Was a Hot May Day. April’s rain season was over. Spring was on its way. The day had reached 86 degrees and she was out grocery shopping. She got into her steaming hot box blue minivan and of all days the air conditioner would not start. Her cell phone was also dead. She prayed he did not call to check on her. She drove home as fast as she could. She knew that she had about an hour to cook and clean before he got home. She remembered her shirt clinging to her chest its pale pink stuck to her chest. She tried to find relief from the rolled down window. She remembered the stress the worries and could feel an anxiety attack starting. She breathed deeper trying to keep from hyperventilating. Amanda pulled into her driveway grabbing armfuls of groceries. Then doing a balancing act worthy of any circus act. She made her way into the house. Juggling groceries while opening the front door. That is when she first heard it.. She heard that Voice for the first time. She dropped everything her pain,worry, anxiety and she even forgot how uncomfortable she was. It all just melted away. If it wasnt for June exclaiming over the broken eggs leaking on the floor.( She has dropped all the groceries to) She might still be gone because for the first time in a very long time she felt safe.
Her littlest bundle of Energy comes bounding in the room ” Hey Mommyyyyyyyyyy Why did you stop singing I like your voice” the excited little blonde haired ringlets pig tail imp that was 9 year old Justice. Bounced and skipped joyfully into the kitchen. She always Reminded Amanda of a cute little bunny. She was fast,adorable,clumsy and just made you wanna cuddle her cuteness. Her knees were scabby and muddy her baby blue jumper covered in mud spots. ” Sorry Mommie I stopped into Aunt Fara’s to see Massie and Bell..
Manda smiled and dropping the knife grabbed a paper towel and in true mom fashion. She wet the corner with her mouth to wipe at the smudges on the imps cheeks..
” Ugh Mom Gross That is just sooo…ugh mom spit Use water besides I can take a bath thats just so grossssssssssssssss” she pulled away wrinkling her cute little button nose she stood with her hands on her hips speaking quite grown up as she told her mother all about germs and how unsanitary it is .. she wagged her finger and ” Mommie your no Doggie so I doubt your mouth is that clean.”
Mandy laughed and tightened her pigtails ” uh huh imp I will have you know I brush and floss so Nuh” she stuck her tongue out and made a face at the little girl.
Yeah Yeah Yeah but my teacher said.. and before she reprimanded her mother again Manda told her ” Now get cleaned up Dinner is soon and your pretty filthy little miss”
She giggled and skipped off saying ” well you say my rooms a pig sty i’m gonna be a piggy Oink Oink Oink…She Oinked all the way upstairs to her room. She heard her door slam shut upstairs and June ” Mommmmmmmm will you tell her to quit slamming her door” before Amanda could play referee she glanced at the clock.
Manda Noticed the time 3:45 each tick of the clock was like a death knell .. She swallowed her throat suddenly dry. She cut a mushroom and added the olive oil and onions and more mushrooms to the pan. She started flipping the steaks and then began boiling water for broccoli.
Her mouth got drier and drier as she sped around the kitchen. Ugh it’s already 4:00 ” I must hurry I must hurry.” As she was laying the freshly baked rolls on the dining room table she heard in her head ” Calm Love Calm My Darling Calm My Butterfly” she almost dropped the glass bowl they were in. As it was they clattered on the table.. June being a true Teen smelling food came in ” Hmmmm rolls …..Hey Mom..Mom..MOMMMMM are you okay..” gripping Manda’s arms she shook her a little.. Amanda thinking she was losing her mind kept repeating no no you’re not crazy she was so focused on this her mouth started forming the word no before she realised it..
.. The male Voice laughed in her mind ” Of course you’re not crazy My love”
The rational part of her brain kicked in and started to make excuses for her delusions.
Great she thought I’m so denied I’m trying to Have a Great romance with myself Fabulous”
The inner voice laughed huskily rising the goosebumps along her arms ” hmmmmmmmmm it will be a great romance But it won’t be by yourself.. unless you like that sort of thing” this was said with a sexy growl like a cat that can talk it finished.” in that case can I watch.”
MOM… HEY MOM MOM MOM ..MOM hey I will set the table Okay Mom..seriously…mom please your scaring me.
Hearing her daughters worry distantly. She struggled to get out of the fogginess her mind had become. Her senses were again instantly filled with wildflowers and sun warmed air. She didn’t smell the steaks or hear the hiss of water boiling over .. ” It is tres magnifique is it not” in her mind she felt the warmth of the sun on her closed eyes felt someone lay next to her his body pressed intimately against her side.. She felt like what was a blade of grass tickled across her lips great she thought ” I so need help not only am I hallucinating But my imagination is sexy and French. She feels him smile even though she can’t open her eyes”
Oui and Merci to both compliments but Butterfly you can Open your eyes .. Open your eyes My Love”
Dinner from Hell
Open YOUR EYES DAMMIT AMANDA LIGHT OPEN YOUR EYES AMANDA AMANDA a slap stings her face waking her up from her daydream. Her very angry husband stands in front of her his rage evident in the pulse that throbs in his temple. He was very close and had his hand balled up gripping near the collar of her shirt. He held her this way using this to pull her close to his face. She saw even his gritted teeth. The biggest indicator of his rage level was The scarlet Hue that climbed up his neck and covered his face. Amanda clutched her cheek ” You slapped me” she stared in amazement then realized just how angry he was.
He puffed himself bigger and set himself to blow. ” I come Home Dinner is burning.. you turned into a space case June is crying and setting the table and trying to cook , the house is a pig sty tell me what exactly do you do all day, stare off in space… and I didn’t smack you June did”
I was worried mom .. June wrung her hands ” I started the broccoli and flipped the steaks ” I am so sorry mom”
Amanda started to say something about finishing dinner when Owen cut her off ” I’m sure you made a good dinner June I’ll let you finish it since your mother seems to not care ;who knows why anyone would want to be a mother if she doesn’t cook and clean I’ll never know” He yanked her to her feet and let go. She stared at the wrinkled circle of fabric. She could still sorta see where his fingers had clutched it in his fist. She felt empty. She wasnt always this way.It started a few years ago. She used to get angry or cry but now she was just empty. No matter what she did it was never good enough.
He didn’t notice the vacuum was ran or the bathrooms were scrubbed the floors swept or things wiped and dusted .. He only saw the kids snack dishes the throw pillows laying everywhere and their scattered school paraphernalia.
He continued berating her naming all her faults how she was getting to curvy how she needed to workout more Read less spend less time on her computer. As he talked she said prayers or imagined a cage slamming down on her and her family feeding her scraps. Not so much the children but him.
She had tried to make a beautiful dinner. Raising homemade yeast rolls all day. She even had made him his favourite Sun Brewed tea with slices of Fresh lemon. Steaks with baby mushrooms, cocktail onion,green peppers,baked potatoes with brown gravy and steamed freshly cut buttered broccoli.
Amanda fought Tears. ” Don’t cry he whispered.. do not let him see a tear.”
“Ohh please not now do not start now” she mentally begged back.
” I am standing behind you Lift your head look him in the eye”
she shivered but it did indeed feel like someone stood behind her lifting her up with a finger under her chin>..
” There now My D’or look right at him do not look away”
Her wit returned in her mind she laughed crazily ” Great now I need a translator for my own imagination just freaking peachy”
He smirked”I told you I am as Real as you More so as I am older”
Owen noticed that even though his pretty wife was looking at him she was just not There. ” Do You hear me Amanda.. Amanda..Dammit..”
June hollered ” Dinner” and he walked by her shaking his Head.
” Go eat Love… ” it felt like he whispered near her ear.
She smiled not outside but inside ” lets see french,old,and Bossy.. she imagined a creepy old man villain with a french accent chasing women around a house..
His laughing boom echoed inside her mind loud enough to make her visibly jump ” Your wit is as life-giving as rain after a lengthy draught my Lady now partake of your meal My Love”
She turned woodenly and walked to the dining room trying to tune out Owen as he complained of this and that Amanda bent her head to pray silently in her mind so not to disturb Owen. He was slurping up gravy with the rolls she made and chomping with his mouth periodically open as he spewed out orders like a drill Sargent. I need milk.. not this..get me ranch.give me the ketchup.wheres the salt?
Then he would start on her or the children showing us how he didn’t mean to say this or that if Only we would do what he wanted and on and on. Apparently it was the Amanda hour he started degrading her as soon as she sat down ” Ohh June This Is the best meal in forever maybe we should have you cook more … Look Amanda June goes to School and she prepares a meal like this.. She will make a man a great wife someday”
” Thanks Daddy but I only flipped the steaks and put the broccoli on.. Mom did everything else”
” Don’t lie for your mother see Amanda your making the kids into little liars”
Amanda tried to eat the food that turned into a lump of dust in her throat. Trying to swallow was difficult, what food she did manage dropped like a stone into her stomach.
Saying nothing she continued to push food around her plate. Owen grunted and for a minute or two the table was filled with those eating or drinking. It was broken as Bradley sloshed his milk on the table Owen Lost His temper he went through a tirade from the boy’s room to his dinner habits nothing was left it was like a rabbit laying there being stripped to the bone by a wolf. It never stopped till Owen took the one thing away from Bradley that he loved to do anytime he was allowed. Play his video games and she Knew That was coming it always did.
“AND AFTER DINNER you can take out the garbage”
” Fine” he said
” You Wana Give an Attitude fine no games after bed hows that mother fucker”
” Fine..Fine..I’ll give you fine go to your room”
But it was like that no matter what was said the best thing to do was keep quiet say nothing just stare at your plate
Amanda Reached Under the table and gave Bradley’s hand a squeeze.
‘ Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Look at the momma boy suck on the titty momma’s boy”
” I could Really get to hate him” he growled angrily in her mind.
“shhh you” she replied
Owen turned his hawk eyed hazel eyes on her. He was a handsome man but not when he was mean like this. He was just scary and she wanted to be nowhere near him. ” what did you say”
Amanda Looked right at Him and through her napkin down ” I said shhhhh I want to enjoy the dinner I worked hard on and I am sick of your voice in my mind always putting me down”
:”Bravo” he whispered
“shut it you” she whispered back
They ate dinner in silence all that was heard was the scrape of silverware against plates.
His Easy Button
The flickering image of the television flashed across her face. Randomly painting it in different hues. Flashes of Red and blue and green.
” Take my boot off please” he said from his reclined position in the armchair.
She untied the shoelaces of his thick boots covered in powdered metal dust from work.
” How was your Day” she asked from the armchair beside him.
” hmmm fine I told ya I worked all day I wanna relax and watch TV not talk”
“okay” She felt herself wither inside.
Owen was hard worker. He worked Long hours at Hard Physical Labor. Often times he would come home covered in sweat and black with grime.
He just doled out affection like a miser on a spending spree.
He didn’t hug and except for rare occasions didn’t kiss her with affection unless it was leading somewhere and they were in the bedroom. Amanda wasn’t saying that he was a bad man. Just that he hid something from his family something that they needed. They all needed Love. He had many narcissistic tendencies. He was often selfish and spent more time on his purposes or his hobbies then he did with their family. She kept seeing flashes of the man she knew was inside.
He was like a turtle she once had when she was a child.Her uncle had given it to her. It was a North American wood turtle.. The shell itself was nut-brown and inglorious in color. She pouted at Her Uncle. He smiled down at her . “Uncle Stefe”( Uncle Steve) 5 year old Amanda stuck her full little girl lip out at him ” I don’t like it” The tall 6 ft 7 ebony haired giant of a man laughed at the little blue barreted blond
” Why don’t you like it My Little Mandy Candy” his laugh was hearty and boisterous making all around him smile.
She looked up at him. He was so tall and could whip her up on his shoulders faster than you could blink. ” It’s ugly .. This rock is weird”
He laughed harder at the honesty of the child ” It is not a rock, silly girl it’s a turtle,” He grabbed the turtle from her and set it on the ground ” Watch” taping magically on a place on the shell. She watched This beautiful creature emerge..
She Jumped into her uncle arms and laughed holding his face in her small ones and kissing him on the cheek. ” Thank you Thank you” but as soon as she scooped it up It withdrew back inside it’s shell. She shook it peering into the shell.
Her uncle grabbed the turtle from her before it could bite he laughed at the perturbed look on the child’s face. ” Thats a good way to lose a nose Midget”
He placed the turtle on the carpet and again tapped on the spot. The turtle’s little black head emerged along with his bright orange legs. She giggled again and clapped her heads spinning and sending her little white babydoll embroidered with blue birds dress spinning ” I love it It’s so pretty”
her uncle sat back on his long legs his jeans tightening over his bulging muscles ” See Midge that teaches you a lesson ”
She stopped twirling and playing with the ends of the sapphire hued bow that tied her dress together looked at his quizzically ” what Lesson”
Sitting so he could look at the child in her eye. He smiled at her the dimple in his cheek appearing ” Even when something looks ugly with Patience and love the beauty appears from inside” you just have to wait midge
Looking at Owen she tried to remember those words ” Even when something looks ugly with Patience and Love the beauty appears from inside”
‘Kids he would holler any dinner left or get me a drink” but Amanda knew that he would really not move until bedtime. He continued flipping thru the channels. It never paid to watch tv with him as soon as you showed interest he would change it.She sat beside him in her own chair not talking just letting the minutes slip by. Occasionally she would get up and switch and fold laundry. Sometimes she sewed. Occasionally she would check facebook and write to relatives since she lived so far from them.
Recently she started reading she read anything from romance to horror, even educational. She studied with dead scholars , walked the moor’s ,flew like a bird soaring among the skies and twirled and danced the Cancan in gay Paris . She lived voraciously thru the pages. although it might have been words she lived. She Laughed, she Cried, But she lived.
He went thru the motions but he didn’t live. She tried to talk to him but he didn’t talk. She once asked him If in the 17 years of marriage he had ever read anything she had wrote. He had never read one word. She thought marriage was about sharing. She wanted a partner not someone like her father. Not someone who would shut her out . Watching her mother with her father. She just couldn’t understand how someone could put in 40 some years like that. It seemed more like a prison sentence. She must be doing something I’m not she must see something everyone else does not.
Amanda saw glimpses of The Turtle Owen . When he was around his Motorcycle or talking about it. He lite up he smiled and laughed and showed the affection That her and the kids were fading from lack of. He cared for it , painted it and only bought the best for it. On most warm days you could see him running a special micro fiber cloth across it, polishing this or that and rubbing her down with expensive creams promising to give it a mirror like shine . He would strip down to the waist tucking in his various cloth’s into his waistband the ends hanging down and bouncing with each move and work rubbing her down making the metal glow. He looked at his bike like a work of art. He smiled he hummed or sang to it or maybe it was the alcohol he looked so happy so handsome so happy . His bandanna tied around his forehead holding back the sweat from his eyes. His Gorgeous Hazel eyes sparkling as he stroked her and over there. The sweat making his muscle glisten and ripple as he moved this way or That. Sometimes when he was particularly horrid Amanda would image him in the drive way working on his bike. A few years ago she used to imagine she was in place of the bike and he would touch her like he did the motorcycle. Those dreams fade with time she thinks.
IN his chair he grunts something she jerks to the present
” Did you say something?”
” Yeah I said you ever gonna get out of that Chair”
” Ohh sorry did you want something”
” Yeah a drink but nevermind I will get a kid to do it”
” No.. Ill get it.. ”
” Good I want milk and my pills ,I got heartburn”
Amanda Jumped up and ran to the kitchen to get his pills and pour his milk.
From The livingroom he bellowed ” Make sure I have my stuff done for work”
Padding in her socks she handed him his milk and pills. ” they are in the laundry room hanging up but they are done”
” hmmm they ain’t in my drawers so they ain’t done are they, Maybe if you got out of that chair more and quit spending so much time on the computer or reading. Things would be done wouldn’t it. Your worthless you know that I don’t even know why I stay with you Mother fuckers. Jesus Christ ”
She sighed Prayed to god to forgive his outburst and curse. She walked out of the room leaving his muttering and foulness behind her. She made her way down to the basement.
Laundry never Dies
Plodding down into the basement stopping and grabbing stray socks that didn’t quite make it all the way down to the basement floor. She went to make sure his clothes were ready. She knew when she completed this maybe he would look at her with his puppy dog eyes and his rare smile and say ” I’m sorry Baby you know I love you and hate to fight but I hate when you do this or that or ect”
Amanda smiled at her son who was sitting in the basement battling aliens and tuned into his game while speaking to his friends in the virtual world. He nodded at her. She raised one figure to single an hour and turned to fold laundry as the buzzer in the dryer sounded. Bending over she opened the door and scooped up his socks and boxer drawers and started to fold.
As she thought about her husband.
Amanda Rarely talked about Owen to others. How to explain, Yes. He was a good provider most times the basic necessities were there , she nor the kids lacked for material possessions. Although he Rarely had a kind word or a smile and hugs were almost non existent. Sometimes she felt envious of his motorcycle. Which she had nicknamed Harlot. When he was on Harlot he smiled he spent hours polishing her to a mirror shine he stroked her lovingly. He would spend what ever he could making sure she ran in absolute tip-top condition. She was the envy of all his friends. Mandy secretly hated Harlot. She only rode on the motorcycle with him because he would reach back and touch her leg and give it a squeeze like good girl you know your place.. Like Some people close to them remarked on his attitude toward his family. Thru the years they had a “couple” friends. He would start at first as sweet as could be. After awhile he would become comfortable. So their “couple” friendships never lasted. The women would pull her aside and say “how can you let him speak to you like that”. They felt bad for Amanda but no woman wanted their spouses to think that was okay. Owen was a man’s Man and No true wife wanted their man to have him as a role model.Sometimes Amanda felt like Owen would be particularly horrible because he could not stand seeing her happy. She refrained from making any kind of relationship with people anymore. She never knew how he would act.
It was embarrassing to say the least and she couldn’t stand their head shaking or the pity in their eyes. Amanda would either take their words to heart and make excuses why she couldn’t go to Owen which would make him so angry. His foulness would fill the air how worthless you are …you’re an anti social bitch . Better they believe her anti-social because he wouldn’t believe that it was him.
The other choice made her feel even worse she would get angry and tell him exactly what they said. That would start a huge fight and she would end up feeling like a mean rabid bitch. Consumed by guilt and feeling as worthless as can be . She was spending days near tears trying to prove how worthy she was.
Sometimes she wished he would just hit her because eventually the pain would fade with the bruises. Sometimes his words were like pieces of glass imbedded and rotting her from the inside out. She imagined a room and in the middle she lay in a fetal position around her all these balls bounced. They symbolised every degrading statement Owen Made. The Little bit of herself in this room tried to make herself as tiny as she could. She tried to make herself as tiny a target as possible. Sometimes she wished that she could just fall asleep and not wake up.
It was embarrassing to say the least and she couldn’t stand their head shaking or the pity in their eyes. Amanda would either take their words to heart and make excuses why she couldn’t go to Owen which would make him so angry. His foulness would fill the air how worthless you are …you anti social bitch . Better they believe her anti-social because he wouldn’t believe that it was him.
The other choice made her feel even worse she would get angry and tell him exactly what they said. That would start a huge fight and she would end up feeling like a mean rabid bitch. Consumed by guilt and feeling as worthless spending days near tears trying to prove how worthy she was.
Sometimes she wished he would just hit her because eventualy the pain would fade with the bruises. Sometimes his words were like pieces of glass imbeded and rotting her from the inside out.
” Please do not think that way Mon petite. I would have to break his arms off and shove them in new orifices. It would be messy and unpleasant for all of us”
she almost dropped the boxer briefs she was folding ” Ugh not You again”
He smirked ” I left you alone for ages as I rested” The inner voice Replied
Ughhh she though I can feel his facial exspressions now Im losing it Greatttttttt Nutward here I come” The laundry room rang with the sound of desperation and a hint of tears.
” Please Please let me alone while I think Please for The love of god”
” As you wish” She suddenly felt even more alone then she already was.
Griping a towel in her hands and started to fold.
So against her will. Her nail bitten fingers moved. She pushed the dress away. As she stared with disbelief tears started streaking down her cheeks All her previous joy left her face. She stared at the angry slashes of paper. Thee artist rage very evident in the drawings. She couldn’t make out details but as an artist she felt the childs emotions. She pulled five off the pile and tried to look at the details from the glow of her childs hello kitty night-light to no avail. Amanda made her way back out and down the hall past Bradley’s door on her right and turned into the second floor bathroom beside it. She flipped on the light. The Bathroom wasn’t very big but it did include a vanity,bath and toilet. Tonight the small space was littered with towels and clothing. This was evidence of her family preparing for bed. No matter what kind of money or lack of her family had they were very clean. They took very good care of their bodies. They just left everything for Amanda to clean up. The small two sink cream-colored vanity was littered with tooth paste streaks and shaving cream with facial hair. The room smelled of toothpaste and strawberries from the girls shampoo. It still smelled damp and steamy from Owens shower. She placed the childs drawings down and started to clean. She used the ritual of cleaning and scrubbing and reloading the toilet paper to calm her anxiousness about the brief glimpse she saw. She was so worried and concerned that she didn’t even reflect on the fact the voice had told her to look there in the first place. As she picked up their randomness of towels clothing toothpaste shaving cream. Someone had even left a bar of soap in the old-fashioned claw foot bath tub. She wrinkled her nose as she picked up the slimy mess. Her heart and breathing Calmer from the monotony of cleaning the bath same as she did every night. She was now Ready. She flipped the pictures over. The first one was a diningroom scene a kitchen table and although she was young the people were identifiable Bradley,June,Justice and Amanda they were all smiling and different colors. Bradley was bouncing a basketball and he was smiling and all in yellow shirt yellow ball yellow pants he was adorable and the color made her feel like he was happy . Justice had drawn herself in pink and wrote hmmmm hmmmm over her picture. Amanda smiled as she realised she had drawn herself coloring and humming. June was done in blacks and greys her signature color combo. She was walking out of the room while looking at her cell phone. Amanda herself was done a creamy color that barely showed on the white paper it made her glow. The table was a brown as were the plates and silverware. This was a scene from earlier Bradley bouncing a ball Justice coloring June walking out of the room and Amanda starting to set the table. The Next picture Owen was smacking Amanda and Amanda went from white to blue moving up her body. June stood over her Mom wringing her hands .Where before she was done in shades of grey and black. This time blue was also creeping up her legs. In this picture Bradley was no longer bouncing the ball but was setting food on the table. His lovely shades of Yellow were now tinted with blue shades of green starting to blend in his legs. Owen was an orange color. She could feel the feelings the pictures evoked her heart ached. The next picture Owen was a bright scarlet Red almost like blood. Everyone sat around the Table.They were all blue except for Owen. Amanda looked closer. They were all blue except for …… she strained and pulled the paper closer to the flourescent light by the mirror. She rubbed her face. It looked like where her head was Justice Had filled with Light colors. Whites and yellows like inside her mind was Light. She looked at the Last to. Owen had gone from scarlet red to a burnt orange and Bradleys figure was blue except by his head was the color of a dying flame. Once again Amanda June and Justice were all Blue. The final picture just showed a picture of Amanda and where the top of her head was there was a sunny field full of flowers. Justice had drawn it so well Amanda could hear the way the wind ruffled the leaves in the trees that surrounded the field. She could smell the wild flowers and hear the drone of the stream and bees.
“She sees what you do not” he spoke so abruptly that she visibly started and dropped the papers. They fluttered down like leaves unto the baby blue linoleum.
“Please Not Now” she told his voice ” It’s just too much”
She stared at herself in the mirror. She looked and was so very tired. The flourescent lighting showed ever spot freckle. Her Nana always said it was a Truth Light. If a Hair needed plucked or makeup needed blended you would be able to see it all. She stared at her reflection. Her Hair was a Golden Color in Autumn and white in summer. At this moment her hair was a platinum white. She had been gardening at her Grandmothers Property. The sun had tinted her body golden all except her shoulders and bridge over her nose. They were a little red. Her eyebrows were pale thin slashes over her big almost aquamarine eyes. Her brows and lashes were thin and pale as her hair. She often wore mascara so people would think she had some. She had lightly freckled cheeks. Her lips were slightly full she rubbed a cloth across them wiping away her lip gloss. She bit the corner of her lip. She was no grand Beauty. She was 5ft 9 so pretty tall for a women. She was curvy in the right places. She had a small pooch from three children and a slight penchant for sweets after six. She was not young anymore but she was by no means
” coyote Ugly” Owens words not her own.
She pulled her Hair lose from the pony tail. Sun streaked tresses spilled halfway down her back. She tousled it into what she called her bed hair style. Her hair had a natural tendency to curl a little. She looked closer the light was indeed a truth light. Dark colored circles appeared under her eyes a line around her mouth started to peek out. Her Nana Bear was a beauty advisor from the time Amanda was three till she had passed. When these lines appeared she had asked her Nana how to get rid of them.
Her Nana chuckled ” Hone-y those are laugh lines”
Well Nana I’m not laughing”
It made her beautiful grandmother giggle like a little girl. Even the thought did not make Amanda’s lips part in a smile. She looked at her cracked screen of her cell phone and noticed it was almost 1 am. She needed to shower and sleep morning came fast at the Lite household. Her Pink T-shirt came over her head in a flash.
‘Beautiful” he said
Amanda Gasped and clutched her hands over her bra covered breasts his voice was that close and real. She spun around behind her almost convinced that his familiar voice was someone behind her. The Space was Empty as she somehow knew it would be.
” Just Beautiful” his voice rang out and she spun again and caught her reflection in the mirror.
Her Hair was tousled and wrapped around her upper body. She still wore her light stone washed blue jeans but her hands where they were clutching her shoulders left imprints of white. Her arms tight and crossed trying to cover her white bra covered breasts. She was trying to cover her endowed chest from a peeping tom.
How does one prevent that when you’re peeping tom is real. She stared a herself. Her white bra straps had fallen down her shoulders. her hands held her breasts. Her Tan arms crossed. The Bra was Plain and in no means seductive. No Lace no frills just support. Her hair was tossed and messy from her spin around.
She heard him gasp and in her mind it was like he touched her or ran his tongue seductively across his lips. She had enough she was in an empty bathroom and feeling like there was some perv eyeballing her. She grabbed a fluffy pink robe off the back of the door and turned to look in the mirror fully clothed she was ready for war.
” listen, Your not real so quit talking to me” she screamed at her reflection
“im very real ” he replied ” I like you in pink” he said in almost a caress
“quit that ” she replied
” quit what” he said making the hairs stand up on her arms
she swallowed ” That..That..dont do that”
he laughed making her knees weak ” I’m Just talking”
She shakily spoke aloud ” stop that stop talking to me”
The chocolate wooden door shook on its frame. Owen pounded again.
He screamed ” what the hell are you doing in there, people are sleeping” he yelled loud enough for the neighbors dog to start barking.
Amanda turned from the vanity and said through the door.
” I’m taking a shower”
” well Hurry up” she heard his footsteps thump down the hall and the door slam with a “Bang” the slamming made the mirror shake and the cupboard doors open. her bedroom was right beside the bathroom . June’s room was across from that.
“really starting to not like that man” said the voice
she agreed before she realized it ” hmmmm me to”
Then she finally became aware she was having a conversation with him.it whatever.
So she started focusing again on a white room only this time it wouldn’t work she couldn’t shut her mind off enough to focus. She asked herself what to do if you’re avoiding a peeping tom and its all in your mind. Short of going to a padded room in a hospital she didn’t know.
” I see what you see” he answered.
She grabbed a towel and said back ” is that so”
and drapped the towel over the mirror.
‘ There now you can’t see”
” she took her shirt off and started the shower” She started to get undressed and then realized his words. ” I……See..What…You..See” Dawning horror filled her face as she was unsnapping her bra and realized everything in her eye sight he/she/it could see.”
Looking at the top crest of her bra covered breasts ” she closed her eyes and started getting ready for the shower.
” your no Fun” he said with humour.
” Yeah I don’t care if your real or im crazy or what I am not going to be an accomplice to your peep show” she said dropping her jeans to the floor and trying to step into the shower while she was in essence blind. She felt around for the tub edge. She got into the tub and closed the curtain without an incident. Amanda realized she had a problem when she started reaching for the shampoo.
Deep in her mind she heard him laugh.
She sat down in the deep tub and scootched on her bottom till she was near where she was sure the supplies she needed was. she pulled her legs up to her chest and hid her breasts behind her knees and draped her hair over them like a wet tendril blanket. She wrapped her arms around her legs knees figuring she was sufficiently covered she opened her eyes and looked for the tiny shelf that was in the back corner on the left. There they were the body wash and conditioner/shampoo. She focused on their labels and moved forward. She would be at this for an hour and she was tired already. So she closed her eyes and went for it. She groped for what she was hoping was her shampoo/conditioner. She grabbed another bottle and pushed both of them behind her. She stood up and stood under the spray. The hot spray started erasing the aches from her tired muscles. She popped the lid and smelled strawberries. She giggled joyfully at finding the shampoo and conditioner. Sudsing her hair up in strawberry scented foam she smiled. Then she again she came to the realization that she would open her eyes while she was shaving or washing her body. ” Damn” she exclaimed and he replied
” Naughty Naughty”
” Yeah cause I’m the one playing Shower Spy”
” I could just leave you alone”
” Really would you……and How can I trust you”
” You have my word”
” Okay then will you leave me alone”
” Will you leave me alone Pleaseeeeeee” the shampoo was starting to drip into her eyes.
” As you wish my Love” and then he was gone like a big gaping hole inside her. She felt such emptiness and loneliness that she started to ALMOST regret she asked him to leave.
Amanda finished her shower and went to bed